no idea what I'm doing with my life or what's happening to it

going through an unexplainable thing

all i need is my family in this moment

I forgot I had this thing and even though no one reads it, I'm glad I remembered. I kind of enjoy having pockets of the internet where I know not many people look or are aware of. If I  cared enough to spare the energy to make an entirely different google account so this wouldn't be posted on anyones google dashboard (or whatever), I would have but that seems silly. It's satisfying to me to at least put things into words at times, just so I can read it. 

Lately, I've been paying a lot of attention to RuPaul, especially videos from Ru in the 80s, during his move to NY. This makes me realize, fully, how badly I want to get there one day. Plan A is getting into my dream college there but it's really a 'whatever it takes' situation. When I think about these things I start to feel inexplicably like no one in my life completely understands what I am actually like. There are a lot of people, most people, in my day-to-day that make me an option while expecting me to make them a priority, so basically, they exhaust themselves enough to ask me how I am before we move on  to their personal adventures. That's fine, but if that's the case I don't want any backtalk or shenanigans when I tell them it's probably time to cut baby's cord and go spend my time elsewhere. Relationships like that aren't real life, they're baggage that can sink you. That probably sounds selfish but I don't mean it that way, I'm not gonna get further into it but, I don't mean it that way. 

I'm a very delusion kid and I'm just starting to educate myself; truly educate. I like to look at myself like Gaga says, 'I live  between fantasy and reality at all times. In that way, I'm a librarian' and as Rupaul says 'Some queens see things as they are and say why. I dream of things that never were and say who dat is?'

RuPaul Explains His Decision to Move to New York in 1984

This a part of how I feel about New York. It's the beating heart of all these things I dream, to go there is to go everywhere.

Feeling tired and lonely today. Imagining the beach, sand is a healer xx